Reptile Jokes

Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper?

He had his own frog horn!

Where do you get frogs eggs?

At the spawn shop!

What's a toads favorite sweet?

Lollihops!

What do you call a frog spy?

A croak and dagger agent!

How did the toad die?

He simply croaked!

Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?

In the croakroom!

What do you say to a hitchhiking frog?

Hop in!

What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls?

Reptiles!

What do toads drink?

Croaka-cola!

When is a car like a frog?

When it's becing toad!

Why do frogs have webbed feet?

To stamp out forest fires!

What happened when a frog joined the cricket team?

He bowled long hops!

What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?

A hoppercraft!

What is worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

Finding half an apple!

What do frogs drink?

Hot croako!

What's green a slimy and found at the North Pole?

A lost frog!

What's green and tough?

A toad with a machine gun!

Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper?

He had his own frog horn!

Where do you get frogs eggs?

At the spawn shop!

What's a toads favorite sweet?

Lollihops!

What do you call a frog spy?

A croak and dagger agent!

How did the toad die?

He simply croaked!

Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?

In the croakroom!

What do you say to a hitchhiking frog?

Hop in!

What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls?

Reptiles!

Why didn't the female frog lay eggs?

Because her husband spawned her affections!

What do you call a 100 year old frog?

An old croak!

What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?

Kermit the Fog!

What is a chameleon's motto?

A change is as good as a rest!

What happens if you eat a hot frog?

You'll croak in no time!

What do you say if you meet a toad?

Wart's new!

What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?

Star Warts!

What kind of shoes to frogs like?

Open toad sandals!

Why did the tadpole feel lonely?

Because he was newt to the area!

Where do frogs keep their treasure?

In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow!

Whats white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?

A hot frog!

What did the bus conductor ay to the frog?

Hop on!

What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?

Morse toad!

Whats the world weakest animal?

A toad, he croaks if you even touch him!

What kind of pole is short and floppy?

A tadpole!

What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair?

Lily!

What do Scottish toads play?

Hop-scotch!

Pig And Parrot Jokes

Why did the pig become an actor?

Because he was a ham.

What kind of pigs know karate?

Pork chops!

What kind of ties do pigs wear?

Pigs-ties!

What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?

A teddy boar!

Why did the pig take a bath?

The farmer said, "Hogwash"!

What do you give a sick pig?

Oink-ment!

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?

A bird that talks your ear off!

What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot?

A carrot!

Which side of a parrot has the prettiest feathers?

The outside!

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!

What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?

A walkie-talkie!

Penguin Jokes

Where do penguins go to dance?

The snow ball!

Where does a penguin keep its money?

In a snow bank!

Why did the penguin cross the road?

To go with the floe!

Where do penguins go to the movies?

At the dive-in!

What's a penguin's favorite salad?

Iceberg lettuce!

What do penguins have for lunch?

Icebergers!

What do penguins wear on their heads?

Ice caps!

What's black and white, black and white, and black and white?

A penguin rolling down a hill!

Why are penguins good race drivers?

Because they're always in the pole position!

What do penguins eat for lunch?

Ice burg-ers!

How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together!

How do penguins drink?

Out of beak-ers!

Who's the head of the penguin navy?

Admiral Byrd!

What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?

Really lost, because penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere!

Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?

The outside!

What's black, white and red all over?

A penguin with a sunburn!

Why don't you see penguins in Britain?

Because they're afraid of Wales!

How does a penguin make pancakes?

With its flippers!

Who's the penguin's favorite Aunt?

Aunt-Arctica!

What do you get when you cross a penguin and an alligator?

I don't know, but don't try to fix its bow tie!

Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?

Because they don't have any pockets!

What do penguins sing at a birthday party?

Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!

Monkey Jokes

What kind of a key opens a banana?

A monkey!

Why did the monkey like the banana?

Because it had appeal!

What did the banana say to the monkey?

Nothing, bananas can't talk!

What do monkeys do for laughs?

They tell jokes about people!

What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?

Anything you want, it can't hear you!

Jake: I taught my monkey to play chess.

Amy: She must be very smart.

Jake: Not really, I beat her two games out of three!

What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?

It won't be long now.

Where should a monkey go when he loses his tail?

To a retailer!

Why don't monkeys play cards in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs there!

Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?

The elevator was broken!

Where do chimps get their gossip?

On the ape vine!

What key won't open any door?

A monkey!

How do you catch a monkey?

Climb a tree and act like a banana!

How do monkeys get down the stairs?

They slide down the banana-ster!

Mouse Jokes

What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?

Mouse code!

What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside?

A mouse sandwich!

What do you call a mouse that can pick up an elephant?

Sir!

What do mice do when they're at home?

Mousework!

What have 12 legs, six eyes, three tails and can't see?

Three blind mice!

What is small, furry and smells like bacon?

A hamster!

When should a mouse carry an umbrella?

When it's raining cats and dogs!

What's gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?

Stalagmice!

What's a mouse's least favorite record?

What's up Cat!

Why do mice need oiling?

Because they squeak!

What do rodents say when they play bingo?

'Eyes down for a full mouse'!

What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?

'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!

What kind of musical instrument do mice play?

A mouse organ!

Why do mice have long tails?

Well, they'd look silly with long hair!

What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?

Hard cheese!

What is a mouse's favorite game?

Hide and squeak!

What did the cat have for breakfast?

Mice Crispies!

What's the definition of a narrow squeak?

A thin mouse!

Is there a mouse in the house?

No, but there's a moose on the loose!

When is it very bad luck to see a black cat?

When you're a mouse!

Where do hamsters come from?

Hamsterdam!

What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?

A mouse-tache!

Why did the mouse eat a candle?

For some light refreshment!

What do you get if cross a mouse with a packet of washing up powder?

Bubble and squeak!

What's a mouse's favorite record?

Please cheese me!

How do mice celebrate when they move home?

With a mouse warming party!

Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves?

Mickey Moose!

Mosquito Jokes

How do you know if you have a tough mosquito?

You slap him and he slaps you back!

What is the most religious insect?

A mosque-ito!

What has 6 legs, bits and talks in code?

A morese-quito!

What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly?

Try sewing buttons on a mosquito!

What do you get if you cross the Lone Ranger with an insect?

The Masked-quito!

What has antlers and sucks blood?

A moose-quito!

What is a mosquito's favorite sport?

Skin-diving!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito?

A mosquito drops off you when you die!

Why are mosquitos religious?

They prey on you!

Why did the mosquito go to the dentist?

To improve his bite!

Horse Jokes

What type of horses only go out at night?

Nightmares!

What did the pony say when it had a sore throat?

I'm a little hoarse!

Why did the boy stand behind the horse?

He thought he might get a kick out of it!

How long should a racehorse's legs be?

Long enough to reach the ground!

A man rode his horse to town on Friday. 

The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? 

The horse's name was Friday.

Why did the pony have to gargle?

Because it was a little horse!

What did the horse say when it fell?

I've fallen and I can't giddyup!

What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the Library?

Why the long face?

What do you call a horse that lives next door?

A neigh-bor!

When does a horse talk?

Whinney wants to!

What's the best way to lead a horse to water?

With lots of apples and carrots!

What type of horse can jump higher than a house?

All of them. Houses can't jump!

What do you give a sick horse?

Cough stirrup!

Why did the farmer ride his horse to town?

It was too heavy to carry!

When does a horse talk?

Whinny wants to!

What disease was the horse scared of getting?

Hay fever!

Which side of the horse has the most hair?

The outside!

What's the difference between a horse and the weather?

One is reined up and the other rains down!

What does it mean if you find a horseshoe in the road?

Some poor horse is walking around in his socks!

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pony!

Doctor: Don't worry, you're just a little hoarse!

Fish Jokes

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh!

What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours?

A hermit crab!

Where do fish wash?

In a river basin!

What fish only swims at night?

A starfish!

How do fish go into business?

The start on a small scale!

Which fish go to heaven when they die?

Angelfish!

Which part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales!

What's the most musical part of a fish?

The scales!

Which fish is the most famous?

The star fish!

Where are most fish found?

Between the head and the tail!

What kind of fish will help you hear better?

A herring aid!

What do fish sing to each other?

Salmon-chanted evening!

What kind of money do fishermen make?

Net profits!

What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird's leg and a hand?

Birdsthigh fish fingers!

What kind of noise annoys an oyster?

A noisy noise annoys an oyster! (Try saying that fast!)

What kind of fish goes well with ice-cream?

Jellyfish!

What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?

'Your plaice or mine'!

Where does seaweed look for a job?

In the 'Kelp-wanted' adds!

Why is a fish easy to weigh?

Because it has its own scales!

Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear?

Because they have electric 'eels!

Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?

Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!

To whom do fish go to borrow money?

The loan shark!

How does an octopus go to war?

Well-armed!

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?

On squid row!

What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?

Monkfish!

What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?

A fish tank!

How do you confuse a fish?

Put it in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner!

Where do fish keep their money?

In a river-bank!

Why did the shark spit out the clown?

Because he tasted funny!

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?

Drop it a line!

Where do you weigh whales?

At a whale weigh station!

What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?

A seahorse!

What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible!

Why did the whale cross the road?

To get to the other tide!

How do oysters call their friends?

On shell phones!

Why don't oysters share their pearls?

Because they're shellfish!

What do you get when you cross an octopus and a cow?

An animal that can milk itself!

What's that gooey stuff in between a shark's teeth?

Slow swimmers!

What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?

A flat fish!

What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?

A beer-a-cuda!

Who has eight guns and terrorises the ocean?

Billy the Squid!

What happened to the cold jellyfish?

It set!

What's the coldest fish in the sea?

A blue whale!

What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people!

What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish!

Why are sardines the stupidest fish in the sea?

Because they climb into tins, close the lid and leave teh key outside!

How do the fish get to school?

By octobus!

Why did the lobster blush?

Because the sea weed!

What is the strongest creature in the sea?

A mussel!

Where do fish sleep?

On a seabed!

What do fish and maps have in common?

They both have scales!

Frog Jokes

Why couldn't the snake talk?

It had a frog in his throat!

What is a frog's favorite year?

Leap year!

What is a frog's favorite game?

Leapfrog!

What is a frog's favorite game?

Croak-et!

What is a frog's favorite flower?

Croak-us!

What is a frog's favorite cold drink?

Croak-a-cola!

What is a frog's favorite hot drink?

Hot croak-o!

What is a frog's favorite music?

Hip hop!

How did the toad die?

It croaked!

How did the toad die?

It Kermited suicide!

How deep is a frog pond?

Kneedeep, kneedeep!

What happens when a frog parks in a no-parking space?

It gets toad away!

What is a frog's favorite exercise?

Jumping Jacks!

What do you get when you cross a frog and a bunny?

A ribbit!

Why are frogs so happy?

Because they eat what bugs them!

What did one frog say to the other?

Time's sure fun when you're having flies!

What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?

A croaker spaniel!

Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?

In the croakroom!

What do you call a frog with no hind legs?

Unhoppy!

What do frogs wear on their feet?

Open toad shoes!

Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?

Because they're already wearing green!

When is a car like a frog?

When it's being toad!

What do you say if you meet a toad?

Wart's new!

Where do you get frogs' eggs?

At the spawn shop!

What do you say to a frog who needs a ride?

Hop in!

What does a frog say when it washes a window?

Rub it, rub it, rub it!

What do you get when you cross a frog and a popsicle?

A hopsicle!

What's the world's weakest animal?

A toad, she croaks if you even touch her!

Why do frogs have webbed feet?

To stamp out forest fires!

What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair?

Lily!

What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?

Morse toad!

How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?

A Unhoppy!

Farm Animal Jokes

Where does a woodsman keep his pigs?

In a hog cabin!

What is the slowest racehorse in the world?

A clotheshorse!

What do you get if you all sit under a cow?

A pat on the head!

What's the best way to make a bull sweat?

Put him in a tight jumper!

What do you call a pig that took a plane?

Swine flu!

What kind of doctor treats ducks?

A quack!

Why do pigs never recover from illness?

Because you have to kill them before you cure them!

What do you call a pig who's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog!

What do you call sheep that live together?

Pen friends!

What did the well mannered sheep say to his friend at the field gate?

Afer ewe!

Why did the ram fall over the cliff?

He didn't see the ewe turn!

What do cows like to dance to?

Any kind of moosic you like!

Where do sheep get shorn?

At the baa baas!

What do you get if you cross a steer with a tadpole?

A bullfrog!

What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit?

An egg!

What kind of things does a farmer talk about when he is milking cows?

Udder nonsense!

What happens when geese land in a volcano?

They cook their own gooses!

What do you call a pig with no clothes on?

Streaky bacon!

What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis!

What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure!

What do you give a sick pig?

Oinkment!

What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

Use a cowculator!

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out forest fires!

Why did the pig go to the casino?

To play the slop machine!

What is a pigs favorite ballet?

Swine Lake!

What do you get if you cross a hen with a dog?

Pooched eggs!

How do you stop a rooster crowing on Sunday?

Eat him on Saturday!

Why did the foal cough?

Because he was a little horse!

What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour?

Leave it inside the cow!

Where do milkshakes come from?

Excited cows!

What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?

'Dad, dad, look what mama-laid'!

What would happen if bulls could fly?

You would have to carry an umbrella all the time and beef would go up!

What do you get if a sheep walks under a cloud?

A sheep that's under the weather!

Why do cows like being told jokes?

Because they like being amoosed!

What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'?

A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons!

What do you get if you cross a pile of mud with a pig?

A groundhog!

How do you take a pig to hospital?

By hambulance!

What do you call a joke book for chickens?

A yolk book!

Who tells chicken jokes?

Comedihens!

What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes?

A swine gut!

Why did the chicken cross the road at the fairground?

To get to the other side!

What did the lovesick bull say to the cow?

'When I fall in love it will be for heifer'!

Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air?

Because eggs were going up!

What do you call a sheep with no legs or head?

A cloud!

What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?

An egg-splosion!